In today’s guest blog post, Gabriella Nadeau shares her latest thoughts on life and her eating disorder. It’s a pretty tough read – but eating disorders are not easy. I think Gabriella’s words are so important to understand what it is like to have an eating disorder. You can read past blog posts by Gabriela here, here, here, here, and here. If you want to chat with Gabriela directly about her experiences, you can find here on Instagram @gabriela_nadeau. Here’s Gabriela’s own words:
My dad wanted to get me tested for drugs. He thinks I just want attention or am hiding something. My mom thinks I’m self-centered and can fix myself. Neither of them think I have an eating disorder. Neither wants to get me help. It’s getting hard to be at home and not break down.
School is becoming a refuge, except it’s just as stressful. I have to work hard and not get distracted, but I always feel so tired and unmotivated. All I want is to get into my dream school, Columbia, and do great things but I’m sabotaging myself. I’m preoccupied with food and my body. I have to keep myself from crying. When I’m in AP Psychology I wonder if those disorders we’re learning about are what’s wrong with me. The unit where we learned about eating disorders made me feel like a statistic.
When I see the girls from the school dance department I feel sad because they have the lithe, small bodies I crave, that I used to have. Not that I’m fat, just bigger than I want. I used to be 98 Lbs, now I’m 123. It may seem like not much, but to me it’s the end of the world. Food is my trojan horse, the “enemy” I keep letting in; I try to purge, though I know it’s wrong, I keep trying. I’m not even “good” at it.
Everything makes me anxious: my future, my grades, my body… It’s hard to open up to anyone since no one I know has the same issues as me. How can I get better when I can’t get help? My mom got mad at me for calling the ANAD helpline. My parents explode at me when I bring it up. I find it difficult to enjoy anything at home, since all I want is escape.
I’ve taken to drawing pictures. Really skinny girls, skeletal almost, to remind me of what I want. I want to get better, but I also want my old body back. If I lose 10 Lbs, where does it end? The group I run at school is all about female positivity but I can’t even love myself. I’m a hypocrite.
My newest plan is have a smoothie for breakfast, give away my lunch, have a almond milk and splenda coffee from Dunkin Donuts, and a small dinner with hot tea and a greek yogurt. It rounds up to under 1250 calories. That is enough to lose half a pound a day if work hard, go to spin class or yoga. I plan everything to the t.
I hate my body so much that I cry in fitting rooms. One time a medium Calvin Klein body suit didn’t fit me and I broke down. I had a tantrum when this itty bitty pair of jeans I had didn’t fit me anymore. I think they’re a 24. My goal is that they fit me again. The worst is when clothes from before I was sick don’t fit right. It’s like my world is broken.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. Food and weight and my body spin around my head like the rings of Saturn, so much so that I even have a plan to get out of my college meal plan. My frustration with myself causes me headaches, and tears. If I don’t get better, I don’t know what will happen.