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# Welcome To My Latest Mental Health Breakdown

Posted by Beverly Blaine on January 14, 2017 January 13, 2017

So this afternoon, I was returning home from running some errands - dropping some envelopes off at the post office and buying milk - when I tripped on nothing and semi-sprained my ankle. This is not the first time that this has happened to me. I am sitting in my apartment now and pitying myself, grumpy because this is just the cherry on the ice cream sundae that is my life right now.

Yesterday, I was approved for a three-week short term leave from work. I requested it because on Tuesday, I finally experienced a bit of a breakdown that was building up for months and months. I felt anxious and depressed, and in pain because of both, when I realized that I was killing myself by trying to pretend to be okay and function normally all day when I really just honestly do not feel well. This afternoon, someone in my support group said something relevant and that resonated. They said that mental health care in our country is like telling someone with heart problems to come back to the doctor only if they are having a heart attack. I have been suffering from the “heart problems” equivalent of mental health issues, but not been taking it seriously enough. I decided it was time to take the time to focus on my health, instead of trying to get better while continuously making it worse by forcing myself to put aside my feelings for 8 hours a day. I was sick of the chest pain, the difficulty breathing at times, the hopelessness, the de-realization, the racing thoughts, the negative self-talk and the restlessness. The panic. Feeling powerless over my emotions. Seeing my self-confidence slip away every day and feeling guilty because I could feel my mental health impacting my productivity. The need for lots of sleep because of the Seroquel that I was taking.

I feel better now that I have decided to take control of my health and well-being. That I recognized that my recovery right now needs to encompass my whole life, not just part of it. But I also feel terrible because I feel like I am ruining my life. Even though everyone has told me this break is a good idea, I feel like I am giving up. I feel like I am not trying hard enough. I feel weak. I feel like I am letting people down. I feel like I am letting myself down. I feel like I am putting my career on hold. I feel like I am putting my future on hold. I feel like I am destroying my financial goals. I feel a lot, clearly.

So what do I plan to do in the next three weeks? I plan on seeing a psychiatrist at the local mental health hospital. I plan on seeing my therapist. I plan on adjusting to a medication change. I plan on exercising (if I can stop accidentally hurting myself!). I plan on reading. I plan on cooking and eating well and speaking with my nutritionist regularly. I plan on going to support groups. I plan on researching other mental health resources and seeing what’s available to me. I plan on keeping busy but also taking the time to relax and rest and recharge. Which means not feeling guilty if I sleep in once in a while. Or every day.

I’m hoping that by the end of the three weeks, my emotions and mood will be more stable. I won’t feel this crippling depression or painful anxiety symptoms. I hope three weeks is enough time. I’m hoping that I can change my outlook and see this break as an opportunity for growth, rather than a setback. I hope that I can learn from my experience and move on with confidence.

Have you ever taken a break from work due to mental health or even just physical health issues? What did you do to help yourself recover? I need your help and feedback! Leave it in the comments below.

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## 13 Comments Add yours

1. etherealbeingsinmylife says:
   January 14, 2017 at 3:01 pm

   Congratulations on making the decision to put yourself first and take care of you. Nothing can be accomplished by not caring for yourself. I do not know what country you live in, but I am in the USA. I had a very difficult time working and reached a point where I could not hold down a job. I applied for disability and felt very guilty about it. I have been on disability for several years now and no longer feel guilty. My mental health is so much better than it used to be. You are definitely doing the right thing by taking this break.

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   1. Beverly Blaine says:
      January 14, 2017 at 3:19 pm

      Thank you for your comment! I’m glad your mental health is better. I hope it stays that way ❤❤

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2. kristakimbrell1 says:
   January 14, 2017 at 4:05 pm

   Revolving life around mental illness is a thankless job, the only benefit of employment being a nearly unmeasurable break in the tornado of insanity, a tiny peep through our storm into its sunshine. Society and those closet to us in particular do not understand, although our joy be a far off whisper in a desperately pleading prayer, a twinkle of hope in the deep abyss of the spirit, we try. Angels witness us drag through the darkness, and cry tears of joy. We side step the seduction of suicide and that is amazing.

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3. onbipolarandme says:
   January 14, 2017 at 5:44 pm

   You are stronger than you think you are. You are taking the right steps to care for your mind and body. Be confident that you come first in this life and you need to say yes to you to successfully manage your illness. Try yoga. Learn to really breathe. Surround yourself with the things and people that comfort you. I feel you and understand your struggle. You are not alone ❤

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   1. Beverly Blaine says:
      January 14, 2017 at 6:33 pm

      Thank you for your comment! I know I am not alone. Besides friends and family, I have wonderful people on the Internet like you who give me hope and a reason to keep on trying my best to make a difference.

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4. melonhead says:
   January 14, 2017 at 11:33 pm

   Pretty much what OBPAM said. You are doing precisely the right thing taking time off from work and getting help.

   And importantly, you are definitely not alone. ❤

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   1. Beverly Blaine says:
      January 14, 2017 at 11:37 pm

      Thank you for your comment! I will try to believe you. ❤

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5. victoriamariealonso says:
   January 15, 2017 at 12:25 am

   You are doing the right thing, trust me, I have taken many breaks from work due to mental health issues and it always helped me. I have been off of work now for a year and a half and just the daily struggles of meeting my families needs can be a lot for me but I have an understanding family and am much better off not working. Just taking care of myself is a lot and sleeping in most days is a part of my routine so don’t feel guilty about that. When one doesn’t have the demands of work there is plenty of time to get things done in the day and sleeping in doesn’t affect me. Some things that have helped me a lot are to write (which you are doing already, that’s great), reading the classics (I am currently reading the autobiography of Gandhi), sleeping enough, eating healthy, exercising (there are exercises on Sparkpeople for mobility issues you might try), staying connected to my support team (my daughter, a few close friends and my psychiatrist and prayer throughout the day. I also have a few good hobbies like gardening and scrapbooking and have come to enjoy housework when the mood hits. Cleanliness is next to Godliness they say. I can also send you the first 7 or 8 chapters of my book on finding fulfillment in life not working if you give me your email. I don’t know if I will finish the book but it has spiritual lessons after each chapter which are optional to read or not but that is the only spiritual element. Let me know!!!!
   Pax
   Victoria

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   1. Beverly Blaine says:
      January 15, 2017 at 12:32 am

      Thanks for your comment and sharing your experiences! My e-mail is slaygirlsociety@gmail.com. Would love to read!

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6. the20somethingexistentialcrisis says:
   January 15, 2017 at 1:00 am

   Good for you. I wish I could take a mental health break from work. I did from graduate school, and I’ve been on said break for the last year. I’ll go back and finish. But sometimes, you just gotta do you. Hope this three weeks off really helps.

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   1. Beverly Blaine says:
      January 15, 2017 at 3:33 am

      Thank you for your comment! I hope things go well for you!

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7. bpd2know1amworthy says:
   January 15, 2017 at 3:17 am

   Hoping your break from work brings you what you need 🙂 You are important and self-care is a #1 priority! ❤ I took 2 weeks from work to attend a residential codependency program in Elliot Lake. My boss was very understanding about it but I still felt bad - and later realized that that feeling was my codependency and perfectionism screaming at me. I have since learned that I need to focus on doing whatever I need to do to be a healthier me - and self-care is the #1 step on the journey to get there. Thanks for sharing! I look forward to reading more of your posts 🙂 ❤

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   1. Beverly Blaine says:
      January 15, 2017 at 3:35 am

      Thanks for your comment! And for sharing your own story. I will try to learn from your lesson too!

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