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# Guest Blog: The True Struggles of Recovering From An Eating Disorder

Posted by Beverly Blaine on January 4, 2017

​Welcome back to the series on eating disorders. If you haven’t read the others, here’s what’s up: A passionate girl named Gabriela approached me and asked me if she could share her story. She is a great advocate for those with mental illness, particularly girls with eating disorders. She is currently in the process of recovering from EDNOS, which means eating disorder not otherwise specified, an eating disorder that does not meet the criteria for: anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating. She wants to create an outlet for girls like her and clear any misunderstandings about what they go through. If you are someone with an eating disorder and want to talk to Gabriela, you can contact her on Instagram at @gabrielanadeau. This week’s blog is all about the struggles of recovery and all of the negative thoughts that come along with a mentak illness. It’s a tough read but so necessary. People need to know how hard it is to recover and live well. Let me know what you think!

Recovery sucks. Not as much as dying, maybe, but during the whole process you wish you were dead. The part of you that you held so dear is now being called wrong, evil, and grotesque. The best way to put it is a Star Wars analogy. You are Padmé and your eating disorder is Anakin; you live him so much, but he’s evil and choking you and now you’re dead. Also, I feel like I’m pregnant with twins.

I’m getting better physically, but mentally I’m screwed. My brain keeps telling me that I’m fat and ugly, despite the fact I know it isn’t true. I poke my stomach and hate myself. I see my thighs and hate myself. The cycle is continuous self-loathing. I feel like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Looking at photos online doesn’t help, and neither does the fact that my parents won’t buy me new clothes that fit. I think about suicide all the time. I have to remind myself that one day it’ll all be better, but I’m worried if that’s enough to keep me here.

No one, of course, understands this. They think that I’m a crazy 120 Lb girl. They aren’t entirely wrong. No one gets my troubled relationship with food either. I love food, but I also hate it. I love cooking, baking, and tasting, however, the act of eating scares me like nothing else.

Calories swarm my brain like angry bees, but I have to ignore them to get better. It’s horrifying. I try to get rid of my purging tools but I just can’t, not that I was ever good at it in the first place. I’m sick of hiding bags of vomit in my bathroom.

Recovery is all about rising above but I don’t know if I can, if it’s even possible. I cry too much for it to be healthy and my body aches because of the stress. I try and stay distracted but nothing works. I know I’m supposed to be a recovery warrior, but all I feel like is a fat blob of failure. I just hope that it will all be worth it.

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1. etherealbeingsinmylife says:
   January 5, 2017 at 2:51 am

   Before I say what I am about to, I would like to preface it with “it DOES get better”. I suffered from anorexia from the ages of 18 to 30. I am now 52. The thought process of eating disorders does not go away. When I look in a mirror I see myself as much fatter than I actually am. I admit that being middle age and having four pregnancies and now a chronic illness that prevents me from exercise, I am not thin; however, I see myself as hugely obese even though I am told I am not by others. I no longer count calories but do eat very healthy; however, weird things such as eating before noon still bother me. I have come to terms with the fact that this thought process may never leave me but I have also convinced myself that my thought process is skewed. Being older is a huge advantage because as you age you begin to see what is really important in life. Your weight and your looks are not what is important because true beauty is within. It is the beauty of your Spirit that is the true beauty. Also, if someone says they love me and it is based on my weight and my looks, is that truly love? No matter my weight, my children and my husband love me. This is what life is truly about. This is something to look forward to. When you get older there are so many things you no longer give a damn about. This has made dealing with anorexia so much easier.

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